Features
Misc.
EXTERIOR. DAY. Rubble-strewn street. A lone soldier, heavily armed, is standing guard.
ENTER THREE MEN, disguised as state department officials, holding their kevlar-lined briefcases in front of their faces.
SOLDIER: Halt! Who goes there.
CHICO: Who’s on first!
GROUCHO: That’s not our number, you idiot. It’s better to flatter them. Watch. [to the soldier] Good morning, Major.
SOLDIER: Actually it’s General. I’m working undercover as a private to put an end to this stone throwing. [a stone flies by] Hey, aren’t you the Marx Brothers?
GROUCHO: We were but we had to change our names — nobody will book an act named Marx.
SOLDIER: Tough. But what are you doing here?
CHICO: We can’t say.
GROUCHO: You’ve heard of Mata Hari? [does a little shimmy]
SOLDIER: Did he play for Buffalo?
CHICO: [points to Harpo] What do you see?
SOLDIER: Blonde?
CHICO: Blonde. James Blonde. [Harpo tosses his curls; Chico catches them and puts them back.]
[A stone comes flying past.]
SOLDIER: [running after stone] I’ll get that rock if it’s the last thing I do.
CHICO: Tell me, what are these WMDs? What are we looking for anyway?
GROUCHO: It’s simple. You got your W, that’s for weapon
CHICO: W for weapons, right.
GROUCHO: You got your M, that’s for mass. You know about mass?
CHICO: I should. I go every Sunday at nine.
GROUCHO: Not that mass.
CHICO: Well sometimes I go at 11.
GROUCHO: Mass is everywhere -- even people have mass. Haven’t you heard of the masses?
CHICO: I don’t know — hum a few bars, maybe I’ll remember it.
HARPO: [writes on a blackboard E=mc squared]
CHICO: [studies the board] Now I get it! It’s like mass production!
GROUCHO: No no no.
CHICO: But that’s great — if you got mass destruction [points to the wreckage all around] then you need mass production.
GROUCHO: That’s not destruction. It’s collateral damage.
CHICO: Lateral like in football, to the side?
GROUCHO: Not lateral, CO-lateral. That means to the side no matter which way you face.
CHICO: [inspecting the rubble] I think I get it.
GROUCHO: [inspecting his watch] this is an outrage. Our contact has not liaised as promised
[A WOMAN: ENTERS]
CHICO: Maybe that’s it.
GROUCHO: I’ll try the code. Pardon me miss, but are you going our way?
WOMAN: Not if I can help it.
GROUCHO: Actually, we just need directions.
WOMAN: That’s easy. Go home.
CHICO: Go home?
WOMAN: You want a second opinion?
GROUCHO: Sure.
WOMAN: Go home now.
[WALKS OFF as a young boy comes running in, pockets bursting with stones]
BOY: Hey! You the guys looking for weapons of mass destruction?
GROUCHO: It’s possible.
BOY: Is there a reward?
CHICO: Could be.
BOY: There’s one just a little way down the road. It has a code name on it — I’m sure it’s the right one.
GROUCHO: We’ll decide that, sonny. What’s the code?
BOY: B five two.
[DISSOLVE]