Public Comment

Cunning Linguist Dubya to Give Inaugrowl Address in Tougues By ARMIN A. LEGDON

Friday December 24, 2004

A most millennial and controversial gift of the holiday season was a software called Glossolalia. And some say it may also explain the bulge in Dubya’s back in that second debate. 

Glossolalia (“strings of meaningless syllables of familiar sounds put together haphazardly—the gift of tongues”) was pitched to fun-duh-mental Christians in Sunday sermons as the gift in 2004—a one-time only conversion of Dubya’s inaugrowl address, and upgrade to King of Christendumb and the Wholly Moron Empire. Conversion to what, you ask?  

Conversion to tongues. Yes, that’s right, just what the faithful are panting for (and have been prepped for four years—and longer in Texas), from Dubya, who has claimed G-d does speak through him (shamanizing himself generally, and reviving the authority of kings—the Bush Dynasty!?)  

While most Americans will “cried to keep from laughing” hear the speech with its many expected slips-slops, the Christian Right can be blessed with a digitally infused expression of the babel spirit from the true voice of the leader. Of course, non-believers can still buy the software at $666, at great risk—and a great boon to the economy.  

And, yes, the CD was experimented with in its development during the infamous second debate, and was what caused Dubya to look even more dumfounded and stammer, as it were. Turns out it was Daddy’s dictum to do it, and when he told 43, Dubya, after a brief instant of madness, had to sheepishly go along with 41’s gag.  

“Don’t worry, son,” said Poppy jocularly, slapping the boy resoundingly on the back. “Ain’t nothin’ gonna happen to lose you this here election.”  

(Tapes of that moment are being offered to the select, through much fancy fiddling, at the RNC website, with the password “GBerish.” All purchases are subject to Patriot Act II inspection.)  

There are purists, of course, who take issue with the technological Roving ghost in the machination. They say the experience should be made to be as ecstatic, rapturish, as it were, as a charismatic, Pentecostal or holy roller (“vaporize the UN—IN TONGUES”) can get . 

Indeed, make it magically unbelievable, indeed mythic, for all Americans. After all, after 50 years of dumby down TV, double speak, decimation of education. . . , how natural for tongues to slip right in; voila! conversions all around! 

“All in the good end of time,” oozed technoid all the way Jerry Falwell, snake handling for the first time as re-born jefe of The Faith and Values Coalition. “Let those liberal pundits analyze this now!” 

Meanwhile, back in Ohio, having themselves a chiliastic Christmas. . .  

And south of the Bravo, a certain Billy Baba—emigrated to Texas but from the large, long-time Lebanese communities of Mexico City and Merida, with enough of a Mixtec visage—is working on an old Chevy for delivery to Crawford. . . 


Arnie Passman is a writer living in Berkeley.›