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Earthquake Advice
Having been warned by scientists that the Bay Area is due a sizable earthquake in the next 30 years, we're passing on valuable information [found on a postcard, author unknown] on what to do when that earthquake occurs.
BEFORE:
Conduct practice drills. Physically place yourself in safe locations. Like Wyoming.
Ignore all warnings. This guarantees nothing bad will happen. Remember, mind over matter.
Know the danger spots: unsecured bookshelves, fireplaces, your mother-in-law's house.
Carry a portable phone at all times so you'll be able to call for help from underneath all the rubble.
DURING:
Panic! Whatever you do, panic! This world can always use some more fear, chaos and violence.
Watch for falling objects, real estate and real estate prices.
AFTER:
Take a drive, get in the way of emergency vehicles.
Go through stoplights, give everyone the finger. You've just been through a very traumatic event. You have a right to act like a jerk.
Help the economic recovery. Sell the rubble of your life as souvenirs to tourists.
Throw a party for those who survived. The ruins, tires and sirens will provide a dramatic atmosphere, insuring a unique and memorable evening for all.
Check for gas leaks with a lighted match. That way you'll explode, causing no further damage to anyone!