Earthquake Advice

By Dorothy Snodgrass
Thursday October 20, 2011 - 02:55:00 PM

Having been warned by scientists that the Bay Area is due a sizable earthquake in the next 30 years, we're passing on valuable information [found on a postcard, author unknown] on what to do when that earthquake occurs.  


Conduct practice drills. Physically place yourself in safe locations. Like Wyoming. 

Ignore all warnings. This guarantees nothing bad will happen. Remember, mind over matter. 

Know the danger spots: unsecured bookshelves, fireplaces, your mother-in-law's house. 

Carry a portable phone at all times so you'll be able to call for help from underneath all the rubble. 


Panic! Whatever you do, panic! This world can always use some more fear, chaos and violence. 

Watch for falling objects, real estate and real estate prices. 


Take a drive, get in the way of emergency vehicles. 

Go through stoplights, give everyone the finger. You've just been through a very traumatic event. You have a right to act like a jerk. 

Help the economic recovery. Sell the rubble of your life as souvenirs to tourists. 

Throw a party for those who survived. The ruins, tires and sirens will provide a dramatic atmosphere, insuring a unique and memorable evening for all. 

Check for gas leaks with a lighted match. That way you'll explode, causing no further damage to anyone!