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Having been warned by scientists that the Bay Area is due a sizable earthquake in the next 30 years, we're passing on valuable information [found on a postcard, author unknown] on what to do when that earthquake occurs.  

BEFORE: 

Conduct practice drills. Physically place yourself in safe locations. Like Wyoming. 

Ignore all warnings. This guarantees nothing bad will happen. Remember, mind over matter. 

Know the danger spots: unsecured bookshelves, fireplaces, your mother-in-law's house. 

Carry a portable phone at all times so you'll be able to call for help from underneath all the rubble. 

DURING: 

Panic! Whatever you do, panic! This world can always use some more fear, chaos and violence. 

Watch for falling objects, real estate and real estate prices. 

AFTER: 

Take a drive, get in the way of emergency vehicles. 

Go through stoplights, give everyone the finger. You've just been through a very traumatic event. You have a right to act like a jerk. 

Help the economic recovery. Sell the rubble of your life as souvenirs to tourists. 

Throw a party for those who survived. The ruins, tires and sirens will provide a dramatic atmosphere, insuring a unique and memorable evening for all. 

Check for gas leaks with a lighted match. That way you'll explode, causing no further damage to anyone!