As we all know from recent extensive press coverage, thousands of Americans have been tragically killed over the past few months by cars. Therefore, if you should happen to see a car while strolling through downtown Berkeley, it is important during this time of crisis to adhere to the following special safety guidelines:
•If the car is moving, do not approach it. Cars sometimes change direction suddenly for no apparent reason, striking nearby people or other objects. Run quickly into a building or other recessed area which is too small for the car to enter. When the car is no longer in view, proceed to your destination with caution.
•If the car is not moving, quickly surround the car with dumpsters and other heavy objects to prevent it from escaping. Place large signs in the area saying “Warning: Car in Vicinity. Keep Away.”
•In addition to your eyes, keep your nose and ears open. Moving cars can readily be detected by the distinctive odors and odd noises that they produce.
•Especially avoid dented cars, “sports” cars, and all those overly tall station wagons.
•Try to “breathe around” the carbon monoxide.
•As soon as possible, notify the local quality of life authorities for permanent removal of the car.
While some may consider the above guidelines to be overly cautious or restrictive, our future depends on your compliance and cooperation. Thank you.