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A powerful alliance of police and city hall interests have joined to promote a canine patrol unit. But many are asking, have the alternatives been thoroughly explored?  

Consider, for instance, a bovine patrol: Cows are more decorative. Packs of dogs te nd to fight, and their leashes tend to tangle. Herds of cows, on the other hand, graze contentedly together for hours on end and are decorative to the natural landscape and the eye. Cows promote open space. A bovine patrol would promote open space, as cows need lots of room to graze, and are at their most productive when isolated from loud noises and distractions. Cows are more productive. Dogs tend to chase things around for the simple pleasure of it, while cows produce wholesome milk. 

Other interested citizens are suggesting studies on the feasibility of a feline police patrol: Cats are smarter. Dogs are slavishly willing to obey even the most idiotic instructions from their trainers. Cats don’t put up with foolishness. Cats are quiet. 

Dogs are noisy, and have no patience. Cats are far the superior hunters, and can spend long hours on stakeouts without yelping and howling. 

Berkeley, a leader in ideas, could consider promoting the first ursine patrol in the state: Bears are bigger. Bears tend to have a more commanding presence than either dogs or cats, and have great strength, an incalculable advantage against hardened street criminals. 

Bears are focused. Bears tend to focus on matters at hand, such as fishing, or hibernation. One rarely finds a bear willing to mindlessly fetch a stick or play with a ball of string. 

One local robber agrees. “When I see a cow, I find myself forgetting about robbery and simply sitting in the grass for a moment, contemplating life itself.” 

Others note, “Cats make me a little nervous, so I tend to pay attention to what they say.” 

“I never mess around when there’s a bear in the vicinity,” comments a local wino given to public disturbance. “You can’t outrun them and they  

climb trees.” 

Our community shouldn’t rush into the choice of which animals to include in our policing alternatives. Make sure our representatives have considered all the appropriate options for enhancing public safety when selecting species for inclusion in police patrols. Some species are more suita ble than others, and some are more likely to look good in their little uniforms. Keep in mind the necessity of not looking entirely foolish when tooting around in a police car full of furry animals, as it may have a counterproductive effect on the crimina l mind, and let’s work together to enhance the public’s safety. ›s