There is no need for divisiveness about the North Shattuck Plaza at Shattuck and Vine. We’re going to build anyway, so why should there be rancor about it? There is no need for you to worry about it, talk about it or disturb yourselves. We have already obtained the approval of the City Council for its development. For the good of the community. We got the council’s approval based on your approval. If you don’t remember approving, trust us. You did. Your failure to object loudly will be deemed further approval.
We are doing what’s best for everyone. The Plaza Development will be parking neutral. Cars will be neutralized. All the present parking spaces will be located in the parking lot to be built on the site of the Farmer’s Market. There will be plenty of parking, except on the day(s) the Farmer’s Market will occupy the lot. And except on days of special events to be held in the parking lot. And except when a fire truck has to drive through the fire lane that is required to go through the parking lot. On those days all parked cars will be towed out of the fire lane. With or without the drivers (who may then be shopping). The Business Improvement District (BID) will pay all towing fees and keep all storage and salvage fees.
We have worked very hard behind the scene for over six years to develop and enforce this plan because it has everything that is good for urban happiness. It will have “bulb outs” to further reduce parking spaces. Perhaps roundabouts and traffic barriers to further impede undesirable driving.
We will remove the excess asphalt from the Shattuck Avenue driving roadway and put it on the sidewalk where you will enjoy several more feet of concrete and asphalt on which to stroll.
So relax and let us improve your neighborhood. If you insist on further disruptive discussion, it should be done in small groups with poster boards on which grown adults can write down their concerns as an exercise in community input and democracy. The BID will pay for hotel rooms and conference rooms in cities of your choice to facilitate these meetings and scribblings so that when you return, the Plaza will have been built and the concrete sidewalks expanded. There shall be a kiosk with old coffee. (Bring your own janitorial services to clean up the cups.) We do recommend that you leave your undesirable cars elsewhere in the city because when you return there will be no place to park them. It is also recommended that you bring a book to read in the lovely concrete Plaza because the book store will then be out of business. Bring a change of clothing because the clothes stores will have left the area. Please eschew Live Oak Park and bring your children to one of the busiest (child friendly) intersections in town.
So let us all be civil and love each other. Those who refuse to do so will be detained in our Center for the Very Disruptive to be erected in the parking lot.
NDP, inc. (Non Driving Personages)
and CAD (Cars Are Dirty)
and Julie Ross, alleged badgerer
Julie Ross lives and works near the proposed development.