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Robo-Babies: The Rise of the Replicants

Gar Smith
Monday September 20, 2021 - 02:58:00 PM

Creepy or cuddly? You be the judge.

A full-page ad in a weekly news-rag recently caught my eye. It showed a baby sucking on a pacifier and dressed in a blue pajama outfit. I thought the ad was for the outfit but it turned out the ad was for "Oliver," the baby.

As the ad explained, Oliver was a doll. A very life-like "touch-activated" doll that "breathes and coos and has a 'heartbeat' you can feel."

These are not your grandma's stuffed-cloth rag dolls. Oliver is part of a new generation of hyper-realistic playthings that are not only bewitchingly believable but are also ready to engage 

 

Touch these robobotic bundles-of-joy and they'll mew and giggle for you. Some will appear to gaze back at you with alert, watchful eyes. Squeeze one of these adorable simulacrums and their springy, TrueTouch® silicon surfaces will "capture the feel of a baby's skin." Touch some of these interactive dolls and they will reciprocate by clutching your hand. 

Oliver, the work of renown "doll artist" Linda Murray, is described as "19" long and poseable. Batteries required." So the good news is you don't have to feed them or change their nappies. You just need to change their batteries. (Alas, no details are provided on how to change Oliver's power supply. A door in his silicon tummy, perhaps?) 

Oliver is only one of scores of individualistic designer-babies inventoried for sale by Ashton-Drake, the prominent fake-baby merchant behind the ad. A-D is not shy about promoting there beguiling look-alikes. "Find a little one who fills your heart with joy! Each of our lovingly handcrafted baby dolls has a personality all their own, from their expressive faces right down to their wrinkly fingers and toes." 

We're told that buying one of these dolls directly from designer Linda Murray (one of the half-dozen female "doll artists" who work for Ashton-Drake) would cost "thousands." But, somehow, Ashton-Drake stands ready to ship one of these little angels to your doorstep swaddled in a shipping crate for only $160 (plus $17 for shipping and handling). 

Ashton-Drake will be happy to provide the new addition to your family with lots of high-price gear offered to "Pamper your little one with a wardrobe of adorable and fashionable looks…, blankets and buntings." The company also offers a trove of purchasable doll-sized "furniture and accessories." What kind of accessories? Well, you'll need diaper bags (why?) and basins for bathing your water-friendly Layla Rub-A-Dub-Dub doll. 

There appear to be more than 70 unique kiddie-creations in the A-D stable. There are Twin Dolls, African-American Dolls (with names like Michael, Jackson, and Calvin for the boys and Gabrielle, Jada, Tiana, and Flora for the girls), and lifelike Monkey Dolls, for those who might wish to cradle a fake baby orangutan. 

And, if you're in danger of tiring from babyhood, there are other Ashton-Drake artists turning out 25 different Toddler and Child Dolls that you can hold up while you help them take their "first steps." 

Capitalism being what it is, it turns out that Ashton-Drake has competitors. Truly Reborn Dolls (located in Shenzhen, China) offers a similar range of hyper-realistic dolls that coo and "breathe" and cuddle. TRD warns that other doll-factories are fibbing when they claim their products are composed of 100% silicon. TRD boasts that their dolls are crafted from "soft vinyl, not very squishy." TRD offers this online shopping tip: "Be careful if a website's 22-inch doll [costs] less than 60 bucks!" 

TRD admits that its rubber-babies have some limitations. While these Chinese-born dolls "can move their arms and legs but not very wildly…, they cannot move, blink, drink or eat. NO PRIVATE PART." This last claim raises some unsettling concerns about predators who may be buying these dolls for illicit purposes. And, in fact, a review of TRD's line of Reborn offspring reveals that at least some of the dolls come complete with genitalia

TRD boasts they "only sell the reborn baby doll, do not sell creepy baby dolls." But, again, that last boast seems to ignore TRD's unique line of weird pre-toddlers including Werewolf Babies, Alien Avatar Babies, Elf Babies, and Preemie Babies. 

The YouTubeVerse is filled with videos of adults and children gushing over their pricey robo-tots. Most of these videos seem to run on for more that ten minutes. Some of the videos feature women who are shown proudly sharing their crammed living spaces with scores of cute and cuddly infant look-alikes. 

It's like watching a Zombie Apocalypse for the Very Young. Here's a taste. 

Warning: The Following Assortment of TikTok Videos May Give You Nightmares