Public Comment

I'm writing this week's column as "me," a mentally ill person, giving you my perspective on what works when "you" someone who is "neuro-typical" AKA "normal" wants to disconnect. I am addressing people who aren't mentally ill yourselves, yet [the premise of this essay is] a mentally ill person or persons are in some capacity in your lives.

In my past, including both distant past and recent past, I've known people who don't want me in their lives anymore, or who perhaps never did. They may consider me a nuisance, or they may perceive me as though I'm a monstrosity from whom they want to get away. They may feel I'm "Inappropriate." They may not perceive me as a real person. Or they may believe I'm just fine, I'm a real person and they wish me well; they just don't want to be connected any more. Either way, there may be some do's and don'ts--for both parties. 

I've taught myself how to spot someone who fits the description above. Such a person may feel unable to simply tell me in a straightforward manner that they want out or want me out. They may want to "break up" to "stop being friends", to "stop talking on the phone", or to "disconnect entirely and have nothing to do with me". They may be afraid to simply tell me this. They may believe I would get violent or might otherwise become a problem. In the distant past, this perception was probably reality-based. I did have the inability to let go. In one instance, court action was required. For me, this was bad enough that it made me think about how to deal with such a situation should it arise again. 

I'm a human being with feelings. I form attachments to people in my life. Letting go can be painful. Yet, the ability to let go of a person, place, or thing is essential. I've worked on this, and I have this. I'm helped if I can get straightforward communication. If a person just flat out tells me, "I don't want to talk to you or see you anymore," I can hear that and I can abide by it. This is because I have reached that level of development as a human being. If someone feels that way about my presence, it doesn't make me question my own self-approval. 

Yet if a person is too afraid to tell me the truth and to be direct, I'm stuck. I'm left trying to guess about what the person wants. Their actions and much of their speech don't match up with what they've told me. This is really a disservice to both parties. I don't know what other people think and feel unless they're willing to tell me. 

I do not have a right to interact with any individual if that individual doesn't want that. If someone wants me to be gone and stay gone, I'm happy to oblige. And in general, I'm not going to seek retribution, revenge, or getting even. If I felt there was a basis for a lawsuit, I might contact an attorney. But that hasn't happened, and it is pure speculation. I value myself to the extent that I don't need the approval and/or acceptance of another person for me to be okay. And while I'm not immune to anger, the most that anger is going to do to me is make me talk in a loud, mean voice. If that's too frightening for someone to deal with, something is wrong with them. 

When dealing with some mentally ill people, those who haven't learned how to let go, it may not be the same. That's why procedures have been formulated for neutralizing a person who is considered a problem. Likely, this is at the root of "Laura's Law" and "assisted outpatient treatment" laws in other states of the US, in which the courts are more able to mandate involuntary treatment. The underlying assumption could be that if someone is in treatment, they won't be a nuisance or a threat to the good working people. And this is probably true most of the time. 

Before you go that far, if you'd like to get rid of a person, you should offer closure both to the other individual and to yourselves. Closure is where people have come to some level of understanding and acceptance of an end to something. You can't force the other person to accept closure. Yet you should at least offer it. If the other party doesn't accept the closure you've offered, you are free to weaponize the court system with a clear conscience. That's my opinion, take it or leave it. 

If closure did not exist, the word "goodbye" would not exist. Yet, just saying "goodbye" may not go far enough. You might want to consider having a supervised meeting. I don't know. If you're an employer firing someone, why not give them severance money? Some gesture. 

If you can't go there, I understand. The person you're dealing with might not understand, but I do, because I been there.