2008: A Year Of Predictions

By Scott Badler
Friday December 21, 2007

Bush Plans Half-True Memoir—President Bush announces that he is “knee-deep” into writing his memoirs (tentatively titled “Remission Reaccomplished”). “I’ve told Presidential Librarian nominee (Laura) to make sure the book is in both the non-fiction and fiction sections of my presidential library because quite a lot of it is true.”  


Former 49er Great Pans for Eggs—Disgusted with the 49ers quarterbacking, Hall of Famer Joe Montana donates sperm in the hopes of creating a future All-Pro QB for the 49ers. Now he’s seeking a gal with eggs to spare who wants help the downtrodden franchise. “Since we can’t draft a great quarterback, we’ll create one,” said Montana. Ad reads: “If you’re a gal with superior peripheral vision, ability to scramble, and a talent for last second heroics, then get in touch.”  


Prison Hits—(If Barry Bond is convicted) Serving time in San Quentin for perjury and obstruction of justice, Bonds slugs a home run over the wall into San Francisco Bay and demands that the dinger be added to his total. “That ain’t no tainted home run. A wall is a wall.”  


Hell is for Homers—(If Bonds is acquitted) Bonds hits home run, and salutes the Great Down Under instead of pointing to the heavens. “I acknowledged the guy up above for all of those 762 dingers and I got indicted. The fellah down below gets my props now.”  


Britney on Straight and Narrow—Britney Spears, set to drive a celebrity lap at the famed Indianapolis 500 Speedway, says “It sure would be a lot easier if they would get rid of all the turns.”  


Full House—(If Giuliani wins) President-elect surprises nobody by announcing he is separating from current wife (who will be allowed to live at the White House during his term), but promises to have a new spouse in time for his inauguration. Recognizing the hardship imposed on incompatible couples, Giulliani proposes tax credit for divorcees.  


First Man on Hot Seat—(If Clinton wins): President-elect Clinton tells the nation that First Man Bill will “head health care policy commission, immigration task force and maintenance of the doghouse – in case I need to send him there. “He still owes me,” she added.  


Jobs on Job Hunt—The day after the Presidential Election, Apple CEO Steve Jobs declares he is planning a run for the Presidency, promising an “iPhone in every pot, and a pair of jeans and black turtleneck for every citizen.”  


Great Wall of Fun—In an unusual joint partnership, descendants of contractors who built The Great Wall of China and Disney will build the Mexican border wall. “We’re looking for something that will last a long time and can be a great tourist attraction,” said the project director. “We want people to recognize the wall’s entertainment value.” Preliminary plans call for such attractions as “Mr. Toad’s Wild Immigration Ride” on the Mexican side and “It’s a Big Wall After All” on the U.S. side.  


Foreclosure Island—Mounting housing defaults force the creation of a 51st state (formerly Guam). Named the State of Foreclosure (License Plate: Defaulter’s Delight), it is zoned exclusively for mobile homes.