Features

Why We Need a Travel Ban

Not on all Muslims: on all Trumps.

In his first month in office, The Donald's weekend escapes to his Mar-a-Lago retreat in Florida cost taxpayers S11.3 million (more than Obama racked up in an entire year). At this rate, Donald's golf outings will cost America $136 million a year. (When Obama was in the White House, Trump tweet-shrieked about "taxpayer-funded vacations [costing] . . . millions of dollars." Now . . . not so much.)

And then there's son Eric who jetted down to Uruguay to promote a new Trump Tower (with rooms renting for up to $8 million a year). Because Trump's family enjoys federal protection, that two-day fling cost the U.S. Treasury nearly $100,000—mostly to rent rooms for Eric's secret service detail. The bodyguards stayed at the Trump Tower, of course, so the tax dollars wound up enriching the Trump organization.

 

The Cost of Stay-at-Home Trumps 

Even if the Trump clan were denied these unprecedented travel perks, we would still be massively enriching the self-proclaimed billionaire because wife Melania refuses to relocate to the White House. That means, the Secret Service has to protect New York's Trump Tower 24/7, even when Trump is in DC. Or FL. 

The Pentagon also has to pony up $1.5 million a year to rent Trump Tower rooms to be close to the Commander-in-chief. New York pays another $183 million a year for police to protect the surrounding streets. 

Oscargate Envelops Hollywood 

Thanks to the Academy Awards for offering a bracing change of pace: 

For the first time in a month, the greatest purveyor of "fake news" was not Donald Trump. It was Warren Beatty. 

To be fair to Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway, the "fake news" error was not theirs: It was the sloppy work of PricewaterhouseCoopers. 

As Tim Ryan, U.S. chair and senior partner of PwC put it: "At the end of the day, we made a human error." I guess this is just proof that "corporations are people." 

And it could all have been so easily avoided: When Faye spotted Emma Stone's name on the card, she should have simply Dunaway with it. 

And here's another on-air flub: 

Sunday, February 26, reporting from Washington, DC, NBC's Mark Murray began a sentence by referring to "President Chump . . . , er, Trump." 

Another unfortunate media misstatement: 

MSNBC's Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski reflecting on Donald Trump: "He is trying to undermine the media and trying to make up his own facts. And it could be that while unemployment and the economy worsens, he could have undermined the messaging so much that he can actually control exactly what people think. 

"And that, that is our job." 

(I believe she meant to say something more like "think about.") 

Headline of the Week 

The March 1 Chronicle carried the headline: "New Chapter" for U.S. 

You bet. Chapter 11. 

My Favorite Lead Sentence of the Year (So Far) 

Full credit to Nancy Benac and Mary Clare Jalonick of the Associated Press 

Trump Escalates Attacks on Media at Activist Forum 

WASHINGTON (February 25, 2017) – President Trump unloaded on the news media Friday for using anonymous sources – just hours after members of his own staff insisted on briefing reporters only on condition their names be concealed. [Emphasis added.] 

Related Joke 

Q. Why does Trump keep obsessing about the "lying press" spreading "fake news"? 

A. He can't stand the competition. 

Turn Your Channel to Trump TV 

The Trump White House made a big deal of inviting America to watch Trump's joint-address to the House and Senate—by not watching the "lying media." 

Instead of switching on the network broadcasts, the Oval Officers advised America to watch the proceedings on the Trump Network. 

Here's the White House email press release: 

TONIGHT President Donald J. Trump will step up to the Speaker's rostrum and give his first address to a Joint Session of Congress and to all of America.
 

You won't want to miss this historic event. To see it live, you can go to www.whitehouse.gov. You can also follow the address on Twitter @WhiteHouse and @POTUS, or by visiting the White House Facebook. The address begins at 9 p.m. Be sure to tune in tonight! 

The White House followed up this shameless plug with an email command that was so blunt it might have embarrassed Big Brother. It read simply: "Watch NOW!" 

Franken Has Fun with His Fundraising 

Minnesota Senator (and former SNL alum) Al Franken continues to send out the most unique and amusing fund-raising pitches. 

His latest begins with a Trump-inspired pitch: 

Look, I know emails, okay? I have the best emails. They're tremendous emails, and y'know, you look at these other emails, and they're a mess. A total disaster! 

 

Does it feel as weird for you reading those words as it felt for me writing them? I hope so, because I need your help. The scientists at the Franken Center for Innovation in Fundraising Emails are looking at President Trump's rhetoric, and they want me to see if it will work. 

The scientists at the Franken Center are insistent, so let's try it their way: 

Every other email fundraising campaign is failing. Totally falling apart, folks, totally falling apart. Sad! Give money now, because I'm a billionaire who doesn't need your money, and that's why you should give me your money, okay? 

Please believe me when I say that this hurts me at least as much as it hurts you. 

Moscowgate? Putingate? Rublegate? 

Someone recently came up with a catchphrase to describe the lingering suspicions of unreported Trump/Russia canoodling. The word? "Kremlingate." It does have a certain lasting resonance. 

Grammar Bag 

If it's a bad thing to be "disgruntled," would it be a good thing to be "gruntled"? 

Google says yes: synonyms for "gruntled" include humorous, pleased, satisfied, and contented. To "gruntle" someone means "to make them happy." 

So go out and gruntle a friend today. 

A Poem for Scott Pruit 

No surprise here, we all knew it 

EPA pick Scotty Pruitt 

is bad news, bears, so let's review it: 

Climate change? "There's nothing to it." 

The Clean Air Act? "We must undo it." 

Clean Water law? "We can't renew it." 

Lead in water? "Learn to chew it." 

On wilderness? "I'll drive right through it." 

Oil and coal? "I'll get right to it." 

Polar bears? "I won't rescue it." 

Atomic waste? "I don't intuit." 

Stewardship? "I shall eschew it." 

Sierra Club? "I plan to sue it." 

Your legacy? "I think I blew it." 

Our planet's future? "Don't care! Screw it!"